Wednesday, January 23, 2008

American Idol again

"They call me the black Clay Aiken," says contestant 1. Janice, that's a guy from Idol Season II. Black Clay, no way.

Deanna, the bitter waitress: nope

A gross couple who met on the Idol message boards. No.

Jeffrey and Michelle. Brother and sister. Very flamboyant. Very funny. I mean, the man wears a tie around his head. They're in. That'll be fun.

Montage, ridiculing contestants.

Next: "I'm Amy, Amy Catherine, AC, whatev." ERrrr!
Simon says: "It was a bit like annoying girl singing in the bedroom. There are a lot of people who are going to find you very very annoying."

Mark bets me a dollar she's not getting in. I WIN! Pay up sucker.

"I'm shocked," Mark says.

Pay up, sucker!

Cheesy story line weaving in and out about contestant #1 (was supposed to be) whose wife goes into labor before he can step up. He looked so pissed that he had to go have a baby instead of singing for Simon.

Next: A blond wiggly voiced breathy singer singing Good Morning Heartache. We hate her. Randy/Dawg likes the tone. Paula's going for it. The blondness is working again. She's in. "Based on your vocals" Dawg says.

"Right," Mark says. "Based on your ass!"

Next: A chick who flies big planes. But she cain't sing. Pitchy, Dawg says. Simon says she's a good cabaret singer. "It's a no, sweetheart," Simon says.

Yow, now a chick with GIANT breasts in a bright turquoise dress that says "lookit my titties!"

"Oh my," Paula says.

Ouch. Close the mouth. Stop the sounds.

"The funny blue dress, the huge belt ... doesn't work," Simon says.

"I have an amazing voice," Aretha says. "I stop crowds."

"You seriously murdered the ... song," Simon says.

"I think I really did good with that song."

"You can't sing!"

"I really can sing! I heard a lot of people you let through here. They weren't even that ... some of them was not up to par. ... I don't even believe this. Can I get one more chance?"

NO!

"Honestly, I think I'm great," Aretha says in the hallway. Dang.

Next up: Joshua sings horribly, then claims "This show is faked and rigged. ... I am a good person and you're not."

Next: A montage of people who have heard no, no, no. Wiping tears, hand to the camera. "I am not going to cry," one says. "Because, why?"

The guy who had a baby -- Emma Grace -- sings with too much vibratto. Gets three NOs. I lose my dollar in a bet that he'll make it in anyways. It's an Idol Baby, Dawg declares.

"Emma Gross," Mark says. At least he's even money.

PS: The Idol Blogger at the LA Times is a genius:

"But at the end of an "Idol" audition episode, what the two hours really bring to light is just how fine a line our society walks every day. How often in each of our days do we stand beside people who wrongly consider themselves intelligent, beautiful, witty, brave? Often it seems just about everyone we know (certainly everyone I know) is deeply, horribly deluded in some way or another. And in real life, Simon Cowell never shows up with their glass of cold water. ..."

8 comments:

mich said...

I'm lovin these American Idol posts! You sum it up well, and you guys sound like you're having a lot of fun watching. We've got our own version going on over here each time.

Gotta love M&M.

Janice said...

I saw a minute of the judges telling the firs guy no and the watress singing on her knees. I recognized the set from your I am your brother link. I was entertained, but, I was watching a basketball game and the timeout was over so I switched back. I still say your posts are probably a much better way to get my American Idol news that actually watching American Idol.

freda said...

I'm with Mich and Janice, I love your posts but can't stand the show. I thought I would give it a shot last night, but it was so awful I turned off the TV in the middle of the first contestant, and went in the other room with a good book. you guys must be masochists.

kateco said...

I just want to say how profoundly thankful I am that Simon won't show up with my glass of cold water. I like to keep my delusions dry -- like my powder.

Mark said...

Kate: Ha!

Man, you're so right. How horrible it would be to have someone following us around telling the truth all the time.

freda said...

been there, I had four kids, remember

kateco said...

freda: LOL

We who are childless -- and so blissfully unaware of our every shortcoming -- salute you.

Ronelle said...

"based on your vocals" HA!

"Emma Gross" - hysterical!

I watch the show and supplement it with my own obnoxious comments -but I LOVE reliving it through your eyes.

Now I have to get a pair of goggles to wear in public -I want to be ready for that "cold glass of water"!