Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Ryan's Such a Whore

So says Mark, after Ryan Seacrest introduced Day 2 of season seven of American Idol, with his signature phrase "ThIssss ... is American Idol."

And so it goes.

Idol seven episode 2 is in Dallas, a big-haired town full of stay-at-home moms and drawls the size of ... wait. The first contestant is a blond hooker looking hottie who just admitted she used to do meth every day. Hot. Idol is turning into like, MTV Real Life, Jerry Springer and Donahue all in one. Idol is upping the ante.

"I want her to lose and become a meth addict all over again," Mark says.

She sings I'll Stand By You, by the Pretenders. She sounds pretty good. She's a serious contendor. She's going to Hollywood.

Now comes a dumb looking dude who loves rollercoasters. He is scary lame.

Next: Another blond chick. She's in.

Next: A sick story. Bruce is up. He has never kissed a girl. He's 19. He wears a key on his necklace. His dad wears the heart that it fits. Bruce leans over to his dad and his dad leans into him, and they slide the key in to the heart, slow mo, to show how it fits. When he marries, dad will give her the necklace. Eww.

He's not going to Hollywood.

Next, a black chick with an orange mohawk. She's in.

Next: A truly gross guy who has saved every toenail and fingernail he's ever peeled off his body since like seventh grade. He keeps them in a baggie in his back pocket. He whips them out to show them to Ryan. Man. They are gross. Nevertheless, he's going to Hollywood. Ryan says "He 'nailed' his audition and Hollywood is 'in the bag.'"

Man.

Oh my God. Simon just okayed a weird chick who can't sing at ALL. This feels like a Sanjaya moment to me. There's no way he thinks she sings good. Lame.

Up Next: A blond chick. Let me guess: She's going to Hollywood.

Simon: "Of all the people we've seen so far this year, you are the best ... you are super super talented."

She's in. She does this weird hopping thing that makes her breasts bounce the very maximum amount possible.

Number 11 search on Google right now: "half man half tree."

"I was worried I was going to screw up like this," contestant Douglas says.

"Well you did," Simon says.

The guy keeps singing and singing Living on a Prayer. He won't stop. Simon keeps saying Douglas, Douglas. Stop singing. He won't stop. The guards come out and take him away.

"It's a very weird city, Dallas," Dawg says.

Now, a blond. Angela Riley. She's really, really awful. Finally a blond is not going to Hollywood.

"You weren't as bad as I thought you were going to be," Simon tells a nerdy looking kids from Oklahoma.

"Thank you!" he says.

Dawg tells him he was "academic."

"Thanks -- I think," the kid says.

Paula asks him how bad he wants this.

"I want this so bad!" the kid says. Simon makes him promise not to wear red leather jackets like Clay Aiken. He promises.

"What the heck," Paula says. The unlikely Kyle is in.

After he's gone, Paula says "Something came over me."

You can predict the future by watching Google Hot Trends. Half an hour ago I spotted the search "boondocks lyrics" on the top 100 searches. I figured someone singing a song called Boondocks would be up soon, and that person would be going to Hollywood -- else why would there be enough buzz on him to generate that many searches?

Now some blond kid trying his hardest to look like Blake Lewis comes out singing the song Boondocks. He's in. Natch.

Next up: A hick in Wranglers and a camo hat.

I like the "simple guy, farmer" thing, Dawg says. Paula agrees. Drew's in.

#17 Google search right now: Paula Abdul. On the results page, I'm offered the related searches: paula abdul naked, paula abdul age, simon cowell, randy jackson, american idol.

Commercials. Our TIVO has caught up with reality. So during the break I cruise the Wash Post for their review of last night's show:

"This year, as promised, the producers introduced us immediately to more people with actual talent. They felt that last season, the first in which "Idol" experienced a ratings decline, viewers were not invested in the finalists because they knew so little about them owing to the fact producers treated them to so many lousy auditions in the early days of the competition. The result? Sanjaya Malakar.

Sadly, last night's result was a kinder, gentler "Idol" season debut we're not sure we altogether approve of."

I'm not worried. They're warming up to the meanness. Don't want to spend it all in one place.

Next up, a stunning Asian guy all in white, with a wide, white fur collar, a white feather pimp hat and a long silver cape. There's something fantastic and majestic about him. He has a nice smile. I wish Fox would let me use his picture, but the TOS on their site says its a violation. Bastards.

Oh my God. He is singing an original composition, We are Brothers Forever. This was also all over Google Hot Trends. That can't mean this wacky guy is going to Hollywood?

I am your brother
Your best friend forever
Singing the Songs
The music that you love

Brothers to the end of time,
Together or not,
You're always in my heart

He sings this like eight times. The judges get on the stage and sing an dance with him.

"I have a horrible feeling," Simon says. "I'm going to make a prediction. That's going to be a hit record."

Update: I am your brother is the number six search on Google Hot Trends.

Then comes the genius oh my god moment of the night. They do these after interviews with some of the contestants. The man in white tells the camera Simon, you are great, a great man, who gives everyone who wants it a chance at fame, free of charge. Many people do not like you but many people do like you and I am one. Simon, you are wonderful. You are great. (Paraphrase). The producers cut in some video snippets of Simon smiling and looking pleased with himself, and they cut in some angel lighting and some choirs of angels music. Man, it was art.

"Wow man," Mark says. "Too good to be true."

And now, a special, special treat, for all the true believers who made it to the bottom of this post. The video of Renaldo singing I am your brother, we are brothers forever. Watch to the end. It's so worth it.

10 comments:

kateco said...

Thank you for watching this for me ... my skin crawls 100% less when I read your blow by blow stylings.

Rita said...

You are way too good at this, Michelle.
So glad you came through tonight.

kateco said...

your real-time google meta is genius

freda said...

omg, that was awful, poor guy

Janice said...

Ok, I watched it. Now can I swear off the rest of the show?

Ronelle said...

Christin did a GREAT rendition of this song for the rest of the evening...I begged her to let me videotape it for you since I predicted this was a hit at your house too. She is too smart for me though because she flat out refused because she knows of this blog!!! Oh well - you have the real thing anyway!

Mark said...

I love this stupid blog.

kateco said...

wow

michelle said...

my energy started waning so I came back to get another dose of "I am your brother." I feel revived now.

freda said...

omg